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JOKES: Share Your Best Joke With Us :-)
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 15, 2008 7:08 am 
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Slydude wrote:
Missed 2 out of 20. I suddenly feel very old. :)


Yup, me too. :cry:

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JOKES: Share Your Best Joke With Us :-)
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 15, 2008 7:27 am 
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Wanna really feel old? Nyah, hah hah!

http://yeli.us/Flash/Fire.html

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JOKES: Share Your Best Joke With Us :-)
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 16, 2008 12:42 am 
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ANOTHER TEST FOR OLD FARTS


01. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, Who was that masked man? Invariably, someone would answer, I don't know, but h e left this behind. What did he leave behind?________________.

02. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. In early 1964, we all watched them on The _______________ Show.

03 "Get your kicks, __________________."

04. "The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed to ___________________."

05. "In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ________________."

06. After the Twist, The Mashed Potato, and the Watusi, we "danced" under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the "_____________."

07. "N_E_S_T_L_E_S", Nestle's makes the very best . . . . . _______________."

08. Satchm o was America's "Ambassador of Goodwill." Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was _________________.

09. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? _______________.

10. Red Skelton's hobo character was named __________________ and Red always ended his television show by saying, "Good Night, and "________ ________".

11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning their______________.

12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the front was called the VW . What other names did it go by? ____________ & _______________.

13. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, "the day the music died. "This was a tribute to ___________________.

14! . We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did it. It was called ___________________.

15. One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist. It was called the ________________.




























ANSWERS:

01. The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet.
02. The Ed Sullivan Show
03. On Route 66
04. To protect the innocent.
05. The Lion Sleeps Tonight
06. The limbo
07. Chocolate
08. Louis Armstrong
09. The Timex watch
10. Freddy, The Freeloader and "Good Night and God Bless."
11. Draft cards (Bras were also burned. Not flags, as some have guessed)
12. Beetle or Bug
13. Buddy Holly
14. Sputnik
15. Hoola-hoop


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JOKES: Share Your Best Joke With Us :-)
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 22, 2008 7:40 am 
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Ten Things You Never Knew about George Washington:

1. His dentures carved from a hippopotamus tusk. They were drilled with a hole to fit over Washington's one remaining tooth, and they rubbed against his natural tooth in such a way that Washington was in constant pain, and so he used an alcoholic solution infused with opium.

2. By the time he reached 30, he had survived malaria, smallpox, pleurisy, dysentery. He was fired at on two separate occasions — and in one of them, his horse was shot out from under him and four bullets punctured his coat. He also fell off a raft into an icy river and nearly drowned.

3. During the last night of his life, a doctor friend came over to perform an emergency tracheotomy on Washington. Arriving too late, the doctor tried to resurrect Washington by thawing him in cold water, then wrapping him in blankets and rubbing him in order to activate blood vessels, then opening his trachea to inflate his lungs with air, and then transfusing blood from a lamb into him.

4. He enjoyed playing cards, hunting foxes and ducks, fishing, cockfighting, horse racing, boat racing, and dancing. He bred hound dogs and gave them names like "Sweet Lips" and "Tarter."

5. His favorite foods included mashed potatoes with coconut, string beans with mushrooms, cream of peanut soup, salt cod, and pineapples.

6. He snored very loudly.

7. He did not wear a powdered wig, as was fashionable at the time. Instead, he powdered his own red-brown hair.

8. Washington had a speech impediment and was not good at spelling. He would often mix up i's and e's when speaking and in writing.

9. There are 33 counties, seven mountains, nine colleges, and 121 post offices named after Washington.

10. He delivered the shortest inaugural address ever. It was only 133 words long and took 90 seconds to deliver.

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JOKES: Share Your Best Joke With Us :-)
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 Post subject: got a joke for ya
PostPosted: Sat Feb 23, 2008 3:47 am 
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Location: Florida
How do you hide a $100 from a hippie?







Put it underneath the soap.

AND What do you call 2 puerto ricans playin basketball?






Juan on juan


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JOKES: Share Your Best Joke With Us :-)
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 23, 2008 7:16 am 
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Outside of a dog, man's best friend is a book.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

- Groucho Marx

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PostPosted: Sat Feb 23, 2008 7:49 pm 
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A MacOSG member testimonial! :D

<object classid="clsid:D27CDB6E-AE6D-11cf-96B8-444553540000" codebase="http://download.macromedia.com/pub/shockwave/cabs/flash/swflash.cab#version=6,0,29,0" width="743" height="469">
<param name="movie" value="http://www.chriscummins.com/like/I_like_you2.swf">
<param name="quality" value="high">
<embed src="http://www.chriscummins.com/like/I_like_you2.swf" quality="high" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="743" height="469"></embed></object>


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JOKES: Share Your Best Joke With Us :-)
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PostPosted: Thu Mar 06, 2008 8:52 pm 
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Caution when golfing!

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her
ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the
ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man
replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still
clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently
took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and
put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for
several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: It feels great, but I think my thumb's still broken!


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JOKES: Share Your Best Joke With Us :-)
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PostPosted: Mon Mar 10, 2008 8:00 pm 
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Snow Season

November 10th - We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

November 17 - The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 4 - Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way.

December 10 - 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 19- Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt sooooo bad. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 22 - Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 26 - Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the horrid stuff yesterday. At least we had a white Christmas. More shoveling. Took all day. Stupid snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 31 - Bob was right about a white Christmas and a white New Year's because 13 more inches of the white stuff fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to stop and help my wife. By the time I got back out there again I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the jerk is lying.

January 15 - Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. This is the January thaw?

January 29 - 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the idiot who drives that snowplow I'll drag him through the snow by his hair and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been!

February 11 - 20 more inches of the white slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's lost her mind. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

February 27 - Still snowed in. Why on earth did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

February 28 - Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze, plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

March 1 - Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE WOMAN I MARRIED is driving me crazy!!!

March 12 - 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

March 14 - Roof caved in. I beat up the snowplow driver! He is now suing me for a million dollars for the beating I gave him !!! The wife went home to her mother. 9" of new snow predicted.

March 22 - I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

April 3 - Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. But wonder why I am tied to the bed?

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PostPosted: Wed Mar 12, 2008 6:48 am 
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NASA to Recruit Al Qaeda operatives for Next Shuttle Crew


HOUSTON — NASA scientists have decided not to fix the Space Shuttle to make it safe, and instead have decided to recruit Al Qaeda operatives for the Shuttle crew.

“Duct tape and chicken wire were not working,” said NASA Chief of operations, Dr. Werner von Heimlich, “and we don’t want to spend any more money on the spacecraft itself. We're devoting all our money to engineers’ salaries; we have 14,000 in Florida alone, where they vote, incidentally.”

The scientist said risk of catastrophe was unavoidable in manned space flights.

“It is what we call allowable risk,” he said. “It is also known around here as a long shot, crap shoot, winger, widow maker, Hail Mary, and death wish."

“People forget that there are 2.5 million parts on the Shuttle that work flawlessly. Let’s get some credit for that! It’s true that you need 2.7 million parts to keep the Shuttle in the air, but 2.5 divided by 2.7 is 93%, and last I heard that was an ‘A’ in high school! After all, NASA does stand for need another seven astronauts."

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PostPosted: Tue Apr 01, 2008 7:06 am 
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Oh Lord, help me be the person my dog thinks I am.

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PostPosted: Wed Apr 02, 2008 11:02 am 
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New Wisconsin-made Motorcycle

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Can you guess what it's called? (scroll down)







































A COWASAKI...what else? :D


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PostPosted: Sun Apr 06, 2008 7:54 am 
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If the Dali Lama steps down over the trouble in Tibet, he is considering joining forces with Barrack Obama and the Avon Lady. They will call themselves Obama Lama Ding-dong.

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PostPosted: Tue Apr 08, 2008 6:34 am 
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Useless Factoids


1. Motorists who talk on cell phones are more impaired than drunk drivers with blood-alcohol levels exceeding .08.

2. Banging your head against a wall burns 150 calories an hour.

3. In some parts of the world, they protect their babies from disease by bathing them in beer.

4. The word ‘gymnasium’ comes from the Greek word gymnazein, which means ‘to exercise naked.’

5. There are more than 1,000 chemicals in a cup of coffee; of these, only 26 have been tested, and half caused cancer in rats.

6.The average American eats at McDonald’s more than 1,800 times in their life.

7. There are more bacteria in your mouth than there are people in the world.

8. According to U.S. FDA standards, 1 cup of orange juice is allowed to contain 10 fruit fly eggs, but only 2 maggots.

9. You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

10. It is possible to go blind from smoking too heavily.

11. Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

12. You are about 1 centimeter taller in the morning than in the evening.

13. During your lifetime, you’ll eat about 60,000 pounds of food -- that’s the weight of about 6 elephants.

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PostPosted: Thu Apr 10, 2008 3:10 pm 
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The Monkey Bar
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